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When I was pregnant I decided that my child would never get any formula EVER! Only breast milk. I didn’t even research about breastfeeding because I thought it was suppose to be easy and just comes naturally. I mean how hard could it be?

At the hospital all the nurses commented about how great of a latch he had, and how easy this should be for me to feed him. 

Well it was not easy, it was a constant struggle….

Everyone talks about how wonderful breastfeeding is that it’s such a bonding experience with you and your baby. But that wasn’t the case for me, I didn’t experience the bond everyone talked about, I didn’t look forward to breastfeeding, it did not feel like the most wonderful thing in the world, it hurt like hell and I dreaded it every single time. 

I was seeing all these moms on Instagram and youtube saying how wonderful it was the moment they nursed their little one. I saw moms that had been nursing their littles ones for over 2 years…. They all seem to love it they all seem to have it together.

So then the mommy guilt started…

Why couldn’t I be like those moms? What was wrong with me that I didn’t love nursing my baby? What was wrong with me that it did not feel like we were bonding when I nursed him? Why could I not get passed the pain of breastfeeding?

I was convinced I was being the worse mom ever because I was not exclusively breastfeeding my baby. What made it worse was that EVERY SINGLE stranger I met that found out I had a baby asked me if I was breastfeeding, it was like a constant reminder of my failures.

I stressed myself out so much about it. I was constantly trying to pump in between nursing because nursing itself hurt, so I considered being an exclusively pumping mom. I cried when all I could pump was one or two ounces. I lashed out on my husband when he would tell me “why don’t you just give him formula“. I got so frustrated when my son would cry because I was not producing enough.

Then when my son was 6 months old I went back to work and my supply decreased drastically.

I tried so hard to keep up with my supply, when I went back to work. I purchased a smaller portable pump because from one day to the next I didn’t know what my pumping conditions would be.

A little bit about my job

I am a pharmacist, I work in what is called a retail setting, so that’s your local Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Publix, or Kroger. In that setting pharmacist don’t get a lunch break, whether we work a 6 hour shift or a 12 hour shift we don’t have a lunch break. Yes company policy says I am allowed to take 15 minutes break for every 4 hours I work, but realistically that is not possible. By law everything has to be checked by a pharmacist, so for me to take a break means a customer would have to wait longer for their medications and most people are not considerate and they don’t care that you have not eaten it over 8 hours they want their medication and they want them now.

I was never told I couldn’t pump at work because well that would be against the law, but it wasn’t easy for me to pump at work. When I came back to the pharmacy from pumping after being away for about 20 minutes I was sooooo backed up, because again EVERY SINGLE thing that was done by my pharmacy technicians have to be double checked by me. So even if I have 3 technician helping me I still have to check the work of 3 technician and I am only one person.

The stress getting yelled at by patients because their prescription took longer than 15 minutes to be ready because I was away from the pharmacy pumping got to me. It got to me to the point that I was going home with a migraine most days.

I have even had a store manager ask me to cut my pumping session short because patients where not happy that their prescriptions were taking so long to be ready….

Talk about great customer service but poor treatment of employee. I mean I wasn’t away from the pharmacy just for fun I was pumping to feed my infant……

Between the stress of work and the stress of pumping and the stress of feeling like a bad mom I was so unhappy. So I made a choice, I decided to stop giving my son breastmilk earlier than I wanted. I made this choice because I realized that although breastmilk is a million times better than formula my son needed his mom to be happy and present and be in the moment and not constantly stressing about pumping. 

Everyone talks about how beneficial and important breastfeeding is but no one talks about the struggles. 

No one talks about the mom guilt from choosing not to breastfeed your child.

No one talks about hard breastfeeding can be on a mom emotionally and physically.

No one talks about the guilt you can feel because you don’t love breastfeeding.

No one talks about how every time someone asks you if your breastfeeding your child you just want to make yourself small and disappear.

No one talks about the stress of going back to work for a nursing or a pumping mom when your employer makes your life harder because you have to pump.

No one talks about how inadequate you feel as a mom when you see all those other moms producing so much milk and talk about this beautiful moment they have with their child every time they nurse.

To all you current and future moms out there

Breast feeding is hard.

Breastfeeding will hurt like hell, sometimes you end up with bruised cracked bleeding nipples.

You might experience that wonderful bond everyone talks about or you might not and that’s okay.

Don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than because you don’t exclusively breastfeed your child.

While I 100% agree that breastmilk is million times better than formula, I’m here to tell you its OKAY if you chose not to give your baby breastmilk.

It is truly mind blowing to me that the same women who shame other women for feeding their infant formula are the same ones that see no issue with constantly feeding their kids fast food…

If and when we have another child I do want to try breast feeding again, this time around I will be way more prepared, but I will not feel guilty if I end up choosing not to breastfeed my child.

However you decide of feed your child remember the choice is yours, don’t ever let anyone make you feel like a bad mom because you chose not to breastfeed your child you are not capable of breastfeeding your child.